Ok so today, nothing much happened.




I tell you, along the way I got pissed off.
They got no size down at the BoardsAndStuff.
Like really.
I really need new shoes.


Skytop, Vaider, or Skylow.
Whatever, as long as it is nice, I'll go for it :)




Hm,
"kalau kite kluar berduaan, nanti ade orang ketiga..."



haha, meaning, if you go out with someone and with that person only, there will be a third person tagging along.




The devil.
:)




And then, during todays outing,
I kept wondering.
There was me, shaiful and Aizat.
I mean, technically I'm going out with shaiful right?
So....it makes Aizat the devil?



HAHAHAHA OKOK JOKING LA HAHA. :):):)
I'm dead. haha.
haha you know I don't mean it..



Hm, I am still clueless of tomorrow's plan...
But I definitely know that person's plans...


I think... :)




late nights have been really boring.
and lonely............



hm.....


I'm out.





Ps/: where are you..? :)

Guess what? I felt like skating just now.
arghhhhhh. Hate that feeling.
So anyway, school ended at 9pm as usual.
Headed for RP to me Hafriz and Shaiful.
Come to think of it, I really need new shoes, Na'mean?


Been quite busy lately.
busy eh....HAHA :)
On a serious note, P3 is very important for me.
I want to do well for it.
And I also have multimedia fundamentals.
Its tough, but, I guess it'll be useful in the near future.




I guess I have sinned alot. Like ALOT.


Ya Allah, please forgive me for all my mistakes.
I have sinned alot and I am praying each day and asking for forgiveness..



I will keep today's post short.




On a brighter note,

Uploaded two new songs.
The rock show by Blink 182,
and also,

Power rangers Turbo Theme song.



For those of you who had a childhood, you might remember those days
when the power rangers were the closest thing to every talk.
THEY GOT POWER WHAT.


Whats the morphin phrase?


SHIFT-IN-TO-TUR-BO!
SHIFT INTO TURBO!
:):):)




Btw, 3 more days, to the big day.





Ps/: I hope you can be patient because it will take time for me to tell you....
But its going to be wonderful.... :)

I had dreams of making it big.
To tell grandmother.
To be honest with her and tell her my future plans.
I know, If she knew, her decision can surpass the other elders.
And I don't have to worry about anything else.




Juggling life, school, friends, your dear ones,
Its not as easy as it sounds like.
There is going to be a day when you will meet your biggest downfall.
I'm not sure whether I already did.





Had a talk with Aizat.
I wish i can tell the whole world.
I told him, that the 2nd last person who i really wanted to commit to, appeared for a while,
and then disappeared,
because of work? Found new friends?
I have no idea.
But left me blank.
ATLEAST I don't leave people clueless.




Have you ever felt the same way?
Or been in this position?
When you are left clueless, and been treated like a stranger?
You stayed because you cared, but it didn't mattered.


Back then, I didn't know my mistake.
Too clingy?
But its human nature, right..?
So I was "dumped".



Not once, But a few times.
Don't you think I have my fair share of experiences?
Been hurt before? crushed?
have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders?



AND RIGHT NOW,
When I became one of them,
and I try to make things right with the best intentions,
I'm not given the chance too...
Instead I have to pretend to be a stranger.
because I can no longer be accepted in any way.



I always pray, and wonder,...
If Allah can accept us for who we are, his creations...
Then who are we to not accept anyone as someone..?




Pretending to be a stranger is no different than being left like a stranger.
You don't have much choice.
But to go with people's decisions.



If you have ever been hurt, you STILL care for the person who hurt you.
But if you hurt someone, you ALSO care for them, still...


But here is the thing;
They won't allow you to do that in either situation.



When you leave, you will become like her..
Treat me like a stranger....
And I'll be nothing but trash.


And you still deny.
but now?
isn't it proven?


I wish I can put names here, to make this more understandable for you guys, But I guess I won't.
I got no permission from some people haha :)
Just want to use them as an example.
good example.



Which EVER came first?
LOVE? or CARE?
Think...





For me? It is care.
And I'm surprised it still ends with care.



I don't care what others think, what you think,
I'm doing it because I believe it is the right thing to do.




But you want me to go away.
You don't need me?
You hate me?





I had My feelings, my heart toyed and crushed, broken into millions of pieces before.
None of that ever crossed my mind.
because I know i still need those people who
hurt me.



And up to this day, I am glad some of them understood,
we understood one another,
we understood the care that ran in our lives although its invisible.



~





I had a dream.
As some of you might know, one of my dear uncle is a police officer.
I regard him as a friend, because he treats me like one.
But deep inside, we have a strong understanding for one another.


In this dream, I was his partner.
We were in the police car. Along the expressway.
We got radioed that theres been an accident up ahead, so we hustled to the location.
When we reached the road shoulder up ahead, there was a car and it was starting to burn.

We stopped nearby, and i rushed out with an emergency fire extinguisher
while my uncle radioed HQ.
I was trying to extinguish the fire when suddenly, from behind,
a container truck smashed into our patrol vehicle.
It happened so fast, but I soon realized that the police car was totalled,
upturned, and I could see my uncle bleeding, still alive, but trying to get out.
The truck driver must have been sleepy and not noticed the vehicle collision up ahead.



I ran to the police car in my attempt to rescue my dear uncle.
I held his hands and tried to pull him out, but it seemed impossible,
But i wasn't going to give up on him easily.


And he said to me
" Rahmat, go save those people inside the car. There are a few of them.
I can help myself. But if we lose THEM, we'll regret not saving them, and not answer the call of duty. Its your responsibility, you know it"


After those words, I ran to the other car and pulled the people out.
When the last person came out,
Who appeared to be a woman,






The police car exploded.









Yea. It exploded.




I was stunned. I was down on my knees.
A thousand Knives stabbed thru my heart.
Tears ran down my cheeks.
And I prayed
" Ya Allah, forgive him for his mistakes, put him alongside those in your haven, and forgive me for my mistakes..."







I knew I was going to lose him when I decided to save those people.
When i decided to uphold my responsibility.
To do my job.
And I guess he knew He was not going to make it..
he could, but it was his request that i save the people.
It was the last, and I didn't want to fail it..






Soon after, there was a gathering, In memory of his death.
All his friends were there, my grandmother,
and my friends,
And the people we saves, and their family.





I had to give a speech about my uncle.
And I did.


The last thing I remembered saying, was the bravest most honest thing I said infront of the crowd.



" If Only I knew who were the ones in the burning car, I would have chose not to save them.
I would have gone for my uncle, and let them die instead.
I did it because it was my duty, and Because It was a request from my uncle..."
But If I knew,
I would have saved my uncle.
Instead of saving the other five.




If Only I knew.
And When i stepped down from the stage, I remembered what he told me,
that i won't regret.
And at that moment, I wish he knew that He was wrong.


I regretted.




The lucky survivors was stunned by my words.
I walked towards my grandmother,
Knelt before her, and apologized to her for failing her son,
and ask her for forgiveness for not being able to save him.
her beloved son, my beloved family member.


I walked to my aunt, and tell her I am sorry..
And I promised her that i will take care of her two children,
As it is my fault that they are fatherless.
And Its because i remind her so much of him.
Because we look alike...



Selfish? I don't think so.
If you wanna talk about selfish, you can tell someone else.



I walked up to the survivors and I said
" I was just doing my job. Rejoice, and move on with life,
for I do not want my sacrifice, or his, to be a waste"



Their fate was in my hands.
In a way. I had to make a decision right?
I didn't know what would happen if i tried to save my uncle.
Both parties might have died that night.
But still. I had to make a choice,
My uncle would have done the same thing if he was in my shoes.
And I would have told him to save those people if i was in his...
Like me, I don't want him to live in regret.





The only difference is that,
I regret saving those people.
I really did.
But whats done is done.






If ONLY I knew who was inside the car.







Hafriz lost his uncle and he told me before his uncle died, he had a feeling,
this feeling that something bad, a bad news will come to him.
And he was right.
Sorry to mention this bro. But I thought,
Dreams could come true,
as a sign to us..
Feelings could be true when we least expect it.





Outty.

Its 2.30 am and Im listening to power ranger songs as
I'm doing my assignment.
Brings back memories.
Shift Into Turbo.




Late nights just ain't the same...
ahuh...




I still remember those times.
When i'll leave the house after Isyak, Head for the hardcourt.
By the time I reach there, I would have about 45 mins before the lights were off.
Thats when i'll skate to my fullest.

When the lights are off, I would be tired.
I'll sit, sometimes lie on the concrete flooring.
The atmosphere would be quiet. I'll be quiet too.
Because I'll be too tired to walk. To get a drink.


I'll stare at the sky( No emo shit).
And try to find the nearest star to me( other than the sun).
I felt that by doing that, I'll feel myself near to Allah..
And thats when i'll start babbling..


"God, If you are listening, can you drop me a bottle of coke?"
"God, fly me home please...."
"God, I feel like an idiot..."

and so on...




Haha. those were the days :)
But those days disappeared.
I spent my time sending myself home, meet ups after meet ups.
Those nights...
Were indeed better than skating.


After each departure, I'll walk home alone.
As always.
And each step I took, feels very heavy.
At times I didn't dare to look back.
because I was afraid.

Of what? Good question. It doesn't matter anyway.



It hard to be good, but its so easy to be bad...
At times, people ALLOW us to be bad without realizing it, and in the end, we're blamed for..
But when we try to be good,
They reject it indirectly, unintentionally...

Its called
"Actions speaks louder than words"
Yeah alot of people tried to teach me the meaning of life.
I mean c'mon. They're the boss.



Funny though. whats with the phrase if you are doing it just to live a lie?
Like for example
" Ah its ok, take the money, im sincere, take it"
Add a smile to it and you'll fool the person into your "good deeds".
But inside?



oops. I guess whats inside the heart didn't mattered.right?


Then came the letter.
The letter to success.
I wish someone had read it for me.
I had to burn it...for some stupid reason...
It wasn't success at all.




How hard is it to do good deeds?
When you're intentions are good but all people see are the negative aspects from you at first.
Alot of things to consider huh?
timing, your actions, words.


When was the last time you made a mistake?
10 years ago?
0_-



You can be an angel all you want.
But remember,
it takes little time for you to become from angel to devil.
One mistake.


Its like automatic.
You'll become a douche automatically.
You'll become a bad person in their memory for life.
because they'll remember the last thing you ever did.
One last thing,
against the thousand things you've sacrificed and done for them.


true?very. Its been proven.
So in the end, it didn't mattered.
You didn't mattered actually because you're a failure.

Why not do bad things from the start and do one good thing in the end?
I guess they'll remember you as a good person, right?
hm.


Does it matter if you did something without them seeing you actually done it?
Does it matter, all your sacrifice, if you don't PROVE it?
Does it matter, whether you cared or not, if they don't see your ACTIONS?

Yea. It does matter.
I guess this only applies for failed beings.
But not for oncoming supreme, perfect beings in the future.


But I guess those supremes will face the same thing if it happens to them?
No?
Hm, weird....
Stereotyping?
Its as if "mistakes" have levels..
Lvl 7, lvl 14...


it all doesn't seem to matter anymore..
How hard you try to make things right..
how hard you try to convince...
They still look at it in one perspective...
That you're a disappointment.


Someone mentioned to me about being there for everyone because of the love for it.
Because it is a good things to do.
Theres no explanation to it...and thats why at times, even i can't answer myself..
Why am i still here?
because I want to.
I want to do that, and I am still here, waiting, helping...
But you don't get second chances to fix things...


Remember I told you guys about the story of Sid And Charlie?
When Sid was Brutally injured he asked
"why did you follow me?"

and Charlie answered
"only because I wanted to.."



Its the most simplest answer anyone can ever give to someone.
If theres mutual understanding between both, trust, honesty,..
There isn't a need for any more questions.


But it doesn't work like that in the "real" world.
why not?
Don't ask me.... I am In Charlie's shoe.
Being In charlie's shoe is tough.
I wonder What went thru his mind when He held Sid....




Family.
Somehow, TAG has become part of my family.
I regard each one of them as my brothers,
even their own families, as part of mine too.


Not only them, but to the dear few whom I've treasured, even up till now.


Just that they don't see it..
Selfish? Taking things for granted..?
Is it human nature to keep asking for more when we get a little..?
sigh...



Even when things don't work out, does that mean we should throw away,
and everything is lost?
Because those I regard as family,
those dear to me..those I still care...
Some, they leave....

because of me..? You try to do good until you did bad..?



When we are here on standby, even when we get shit thrown at our faces,
ready to die on our feet rather than live on our knees,
When we keep waiting and have our arms open to welcome,..
When we still hold dear to those we care,


Somehow, it don't matter to them anymore....
:/


But do we give up easily?
No....
Do we forget and pretend nothing happened before?
No...
Do we do exactly what they did to us,..?
No....


So what do we do..?
We do what we think its right.
If we believe that what we are doing is right, even if it takes years to convince,
take a lifetime,
then stay true to it.
because you BELIEVE.


And THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME!
You know who you are...
Panda :)



Regret.

I get this word often from Shaiful. In a good way i mean.
Would you rather die trying, or live and then die in regret?
Choose.




This is not intended for only one person.

I just have to say this.
When our parents gave birth to us, it means,
one day, we must take care of them.
because they cared for us and watch us grow.
Whatever mistakes we could have done towards them, in the past or future,
our parents, elders, will always forgive us..
I believe in that.


So tell me, why disappoint them by being spoilt?


Who was there for you when you didn't have nobody?
Who stood up when people diss Hiphop on you?
Who always give you spare change willingly without hesitation when you needed it?
Who always create those lame jokes, weird faces, spend endless
chat sessions with you?
Who always bike, skate, go out, study, do the common interests with you?
Who never fails to call you by your nickname?
Who always, ALWAYS cover up for your mistakes,
so you won't get trashed?
who do you ALWAYS look forward to meeting after school, or during weekends,
knowing that it would be the time of your life?

WHO THE FUCK, WOULD REGARD YOU AS FAMILY,
who stood up for you, equal respect, looked up to you and your talents,
praised you on every little success, motivates you to do better?


MA-FA-KA.
And now look at what has become of you.
Not only you, but some others too.



If we were a bad influence,
would you be doing all the shit you told us you did?
FUCK.
WHO ALWAYSSSSSSS ASK YOU TO TAG ALONG TO THE MASJID?????
FAGGOT.
WHO ALWAYS TALK TO YOU ABOUT BELIEF, SINS, FUTURE, GOOD DEEDS,
ALWAYS GUIDING YOU TO THE RIGHT PATH?
Who stops you from doing all your shit? You know any one else who even bother more?



Who was always there to teach you maths, history?
WHO ALWAYS BABBLE TO YOU ABOUT THE DIGIMON EVOLUTION CHARTS
UNTIL YOU GET BORED EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE IT????
Who still regard you as one even when you declined in your studies?
Who were the ones who kept pushing you up till you surpass your limits?
Who stands up for you when they diss your big size???
Who were the ones who called you
"Teddybear" or says that as big as you are, its always warm and cozy to have you alongside?????????


Don't you think we are family?
Almost 6 years and counting.
If we are not, We wouldn't bother and just let you rot and die.
Let you slip into the seventh circle of hell.


If we are not family, I wouldn't bother even when she asked for my help.


Are we really the bad influence here?
Damn it you guys really are champions.



We will never trade you for the world.
I will never trade you for anyone else.
To me you are unique, in your own ways,
special talents only WE can see because we're close.
We know you so well, Only Allah knows..
Theres only ONE of you in this world.
And we're the lucky ones to find you, to keep you
and to live alongside you.
I'm glad that Allah presented you to US.
There won't be US if theres no You.

If you want to disappoint us, make us suffer, wait like idiots,
chase you like desperados, then its ok,
I guess we can tolerate.

But don't ever disappoint your parents or hurt their feelings.
You might not realize it, but your actions speaks louder than words
(fuck the phrase la)

We will NEVER trade you for anyone else.
But isn't it obvious that by hanging out with THEM, you're slowly drifting away,
and becoming, different...?

Lets fantasize this.
You can go with them, its your choice.
Spend your time killing yourselves.
But if one day,
Theres a crisis, a war (Wallahua'lam..)





They WILL Trade you for their family.




You remember this well.
Because if a moment like that came, you'll turn to a friend, and then a stranger,
and they'll stop at nothing to get back their loved ones,
even if it means trading/sacrificing you.




But WE won't
Thats a promise I can make.
If you thought we would, we would have done so earlier.





You only have two parents.
A father and a Mother.
Those who gave birth to you.
There are none out there who can do the same things, look the same way,
care and love the same way as your parents.
Not to mentions your siblings and relatives.




Even if you've done terrible mistakes, It can be forgiven.
We can forgive you.
I can forgive.
I won't regret forgiving even if you make mistakes again.
We all do.


But if your parents die one day...
you can search the whole world, circle it thousands of times,
to look for them...
Cry out their names..
tell them you miss them and is sorry for your wrongdoings...



but you won't find them anymore
:'(




these are words from me, and me alone....





But also from those who regard you as BROTHER,
we thought its time we take actions,
before its too late...



You don't need to forget, to leave or to throw...
care doesn't come from love...
Its love that comes from care...


Those who care will always stand up and fight.
Who will stand by even when the world is upside down.



I'M OUTTY.




4 more days.
Saturday is a big day for me.
And faiz.
Nothing beats honesty.
:)


Ya Allah, Please guide me to do the right things..
because I believe, I am...

Ok so updates.
Someone asked me to update.............


:)




So, On wednesday was site analysis.
Went for Director's talk in the morning, and then class in mid afternoon.
Then I went to the site with my group members at around 4.30pm.
It was crazy.
Being the cameraman, I had to adapt to the babbling of my friends.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Had some to act out tourist and businessman.
It was fun.
The boring part came when I was forced to take a boat ride
along the Singapore river.
Had to videotape the whole journey.
But it was worthwhile.
Tourists asked me where I was from.
Seriously, Do I look like an Indonesian?
I do have javanese blood, but...
oh well...



On Thursday morning, I went to the site again in the morning.
To finish up some recording.
Came back to school to do some video editing.


Met Hafriz to talk about stuff.
TAG stuff.



Friday was the presentation. Turned out well, I won't explain in detail.
But I'm kinda proud and satisfied of the outcome.
Everyone had a great time..


Haha and bad/good news.


I got night class from 6 to 9.
BAIK :)
But its good.
Because I'm learning how to create WEBSITES!
Multimedia Fundamental.




Hm, you know....
She ever told me,
When I came out to this world, It was the most craziest, most beautiful thing ever!
Her first grandson...
She said, when she rushed to the hospital, she was looking for me..
And there were alot of babies...
But she kept hearing one crying!
The baby boy was crying so loudly, she kept wondering,
"who might he belong too.."

And when she asked the nurse,
she was shocked!
Because I belong to her!


She said I was chubby and my face was brownish red.
I couldn't stop crying.
I had no idea why.
But when she came, I stopped.
And I guess she cried...

Which grandmother wouldn't be happy to hold her first grandson? :)


When she told me the story, her eyes really portrayed everything.
She looked as if she was about to cry.
I could understand.
Now, she has not one, but 7!
and a new one just joined the group! which makes a total of 8!



I got my name from my grandfather!
No "muhammad" .
Just, Rahmat.
:)



And Now I'm 18.
Spoilt at times, but steady.
:)



She ever told me,
That she is going down, but I am going up..
What she meant was...her time is almost up..
She can leave anytime..
Anytime when Allah decides to...
It has been written; her passing away.
We just don't know when..

And I hate it when she says that.
I really hate it...
:'(
Everytime she does, I'll look away.
She ALWAYS tells me things in secret.
When I'm about to go home, and I wanted to Salam her in her room,
she'll pull me to sit and talk.
I love those moments, the advices..
The talks...
Its those advices and stories that I won't forget...



When I step out of my cousin's place, I'll feel like crying.
I know I'm going to lose her one day...
I know...
:'(


I love her cooking!
Even my cousins do...
I still remember those days when she took care of me, because I lived near.
She would give me her attention,
Bring me to the playground, buy me toys...
Carry me and hug me and love me..
Even now, when we are living in woodlands,
I'm trying to repay her kindness.
By visiting her whenever I can..
Help her around, Update her...



But the most important thing I'll never fail to do,
Is being honest with her.
I don't usually tel her things,
Because I don't want to burden her...
But when she ask,
can i help not to tell..?
:):):)




She always tell me to follow my heart.
Be myself.
Take care of the younger ones.
Be a filial and responsible son.
Never to forget my prayers and the Quran.



And when she ask the most personal questions,
I have to answer...
But I'm glad she is understanding.
:):):)
I'm really glad..
She is happy too...
Because She is seeing a change...



She looks like your aunty!
What beautiful eyes!
She is so chubby! Ya Allah!
You are lucky! She is responsible!
I'm happy..
Alhamdulilah, Syukur kepada Allah..


If a person believes in you, why can't you believe in yourself..?
right..?
Well, Tommorrow, I might be seeing her again..
as well as my relatives..
:)





InsyaAllah, If Allah doesn't forbid,
I'll bring you to see her..
I promise, nenek.. :)





AND TODAY.
I HAD A HARD TIME BALANCING MYSELF IN THE MRT.
I WAS TREMBLING.
STUNNED.


:)




Take care peeps!



~Rahmat~

Today was site analysis.
At the Singapore River.




THE HEAT WAS SO INTENSE.



I was walking when suddenly my vision goes blurry black.
Almost pitch black.
Of course, I didn;t faint.
But I stopped to regain myself.


Hell It was scary.
I remembered the incident which involved my senior, Hafidz, hitting his head on a concrete seat while doing a bike stunt
And he told me his left eye vision went pitch black.


And his left part of his head was bloody red.
He thought it was sweat.
0_0



Was it left or right?
Not sure but thats not the point.








I hope tomorrows weather is good.
Windy and cloudy will be ok.
Because tomorrow is going to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooog
day at the site.






God bless ya'll.




Ok I'm out.

Now I know,




why emailing is important.




Very-very important.




Stressed out.
I'm stressed.

Yesterday, I lost my spectacles.
I was angry and frustrated.
I ALWAYS keep track of 4 Important things.
Wallet, Handphone, MP3,
and my Spectacles.

On Friday morning, 5.00 am, I went to bed and I took my specs off and put them
beside me on the bed.
I woke up but was half conscious. I saw my mum enter my room, pulling the curtains aside.
I went back to sleep for about another 15 minutes.
I woke up after that, went out to get my MP3 to listen
to songs, to get me awake.
I was in a good mood, but the day turned hazardous,
when i couldn't find my specs.
DAMN IT.

My parents and I searched the WHOLE house but couldn't find it.
I even called my foster brother's kindergarten teacher,
and ask her to check in his bag, JUST IN CASE IF HE HAD TAKEN IT.
But he didn't.


Shaiful told me that Since it was friday night, a toyol might have taken it.
If it was true,
I'll put green beans near my bed at one corner,
wait for it to appear and kill it.
Period. No shit real talk.
I will, destroy it.
Shaiful even said that it might appear wearing my specs, because its dark and it needs specs to see while playing with the beans.
Funny boy.

C'MON.
THERE ARE A MILLION THINGS IN MY ROOM.
MAFAKA. IF YOU WANT MONEY, ASK LA.
KNN CCB.
I'M WILLING TO GIVE YOU 50 DOLLARS LA.
WHY TAKE MY SPECS WHEN YOU CAN TAKE OTHER THINGS?????
SHIT NIKKUH.


People, I'm not saying its true.
But it could be. Things don't just disappear like that.
Because I remembered everything that happened before I slept.
I thought it could be possible because Farhan's mother always talk to us about the supernatural, and going home late is not good.
But the thing is, I didn't go out on thursday.
My sister could have brought it in the house because she came home late.


Shit la. I don't care.
If its really true,

You won't see any green beans for the rest of your life, son.


I am really frustrated.
If you are one of those who wear specs and your vision is not that good,
you'll know what it feels like.
It hurts everytime I look around and I have to focus and my eyes will feel painful.




And yesterday, I went to get myself a new pair of specs,
But it won't be ready till Sunday evening.
So NOW,
I'm using my 2004 spectacles.
Fo'real.
My visual becomes blur when something is far...



GOD.
I think GOD took away my specs to make me experience how it feels like to be blind.
I mean,
I WAS partially blind without the right specs.

I slept over at cousin's crib yesternight.
Talked about stuff, bgr, ghost, family,played videogames,
guitar, and yes, piano.
I can play the piano.
Abit.

And today, I went to orchard with the dudes,
to SHOP.
Yea. Shop for dope stuff.
Especially Harith; he bought tons of stuff.
And yea. He had another Supra, making it the third one.
But its nice man,
*salute*



It still feels weird wearing my old specs.
I can't wait to get the new ones.
130 dees.



At times, I feel glad...
Glad that I am not able to see what I don't want to see..
If you know what i mean.



Hm, I am normal.
I'm am trying to be normal,
to be myself...



I can't help but to accept the fact that i'm a disappointment.
I feel the sadness every now and then...
I can never forgive myself.
Everytime I try to do the right things, it becomes bad..
But still, I will make things right..
Things will be right..
even if its not for me...
:'/



Met Maryam after orchard trip.
talked about stuff.
haha. thankx for the company.
shorty :P




OK I'M OUT.